You may not think so to look at me, but I am a great fan of the beautiful game. Belvedere is betrothed to the eggy ball, but retains a passing interest. 

And what has football got to do with cats? 

Well, it is a game based on pushing an object around with your paws at speed. You need explosive acceleration, pace on demand, lightning reflexes, pin-sharp movement detection, the ability to jump high from a standing start and to be really good at rolling around on the ground for no apparent reason. These are all core cat skills. Granted, cat teamwork is not optimum, but they are working on it. Look how lionesses collaborate on a hunt. 

If I were building a team, where would I play my cat? The sleek, glossy, expensive striker who appears to do nothing, then produces an impossible goal but has to sit down afterwards for a good preen? Maybe. I’d avoid midfield positions, as feline midfielders tend to sit down mid-game and doze off. Mind you, this happens in human football too. 

The ideal position for cats is goalie, the lone figure on the edge. Cats are superb in the air–jump and catch–and supreme at making themselves look big in the goalmouth–turn sideways and bristle. One dip into Insta or You tube will show you countless examples of breathtaking feline agility and focus when faced with an incoming missile. Legendary Chelsea netminder Peter Bonetti, famed for his grace and style, was known as The Cat.  

The Euros, the UEFA European Championship, opens on Friday, 14 June, with the host nation, Germany, playing Scotland. I am looking forward to some serious viewing and have stockpiled treats. The tournament lasts for a month, with the final to be played on 14 July.   

Who will win? There is much speculation. The host nation is always good bet, so Germany is in the frame. France is in form, wants the cup back, is bursting with Formidables, and is led by the unstoppable Kylian Mbappé, currently the Best Player in the World. England is heavily tipped, at least in England. They do have Three Lions on their shirts after all. Things may change of course.

So for some certainty in a whirling world, I have devised a cat- based system for predicting the outcome. The system is based on three criteria.

There are 24 countries competing. I investigated how cat they all are, so you don’t have to. I have gone with the top five–there may be an outsider but we can discuss that later. Figures are approximate, but ballparky enough for this purpose.

Observe that the order is identical. But see what happens when we calculate cat density, that is how many cats there are per person.

The Top Five in terms of cpp, cats per person 

 1.    France: 0.221 cpp

2.    Hungary: 0.217 cpp

3.    Netherlands: 0.195 cpp

4.     Ukraine: 0.193 cpp

5.     Austria: 0.190 cpp

This was not easy to establish, as it seems that most players are dog-based. One of the most self-confessed cat friendly footballers is Mo Salah, iconic goal machine for LIverpool FC, but he is from Egypt (of course he is) so will not be playing in the tournament. Thibaut Courtois, goalkeeper for Real Madrid and the Belgian National Team, is also a cat fan, but injury prevents him playing. Kevin de Bruyne, playmaker for Manchester City and Belgium, is a cat fan, but unfortunately one KDB is not enough to counterbalance Belgium’s  number 8 position on the chart for cats per person. 

Kyle Walker and John Stones, both defenders for Manchester City and England, adopted a stray cat when they were in Qatar for the World Cup in 2022, but I fear that may have been out of charity and boredom more than cat love. He is called Dave.  

On the plus side, Mykhailo Mudryk, left wing midfield whizkid for Chelsea FC and Ukraine National Team, is an actual cat fan, and appears to be owned by a beautiful Scottish Fold. More probability points to Ukraine there.

And superstar striker demigod Cristiano Ronaldo is owned by a beautiful hairless sphinx cat called Pepe. This gives a big point to Portugal.

Nicknames first. France have missed out on another cat point, as striker Karim Benzema, known as The Cat, retired from international football in 2022.   

Actual cat names give us Federico Catti, Italian for more than one cat, centre-back for Juventus and the Italy National Team, but Italy ranks only at number 18 in the cat density chart, so it is not quite enough. However, Portugal has Rúben Dias, dazzling centre-back for Manchester City. He has just been voted Football Writers Footballer of the Year in the UK and is an utter whizz. And his actual name is Rúben dos Santos Gato Alves Dias. Gato is Portuguese for cat. Another big cat point to Portugal, 

So what’s the verdict? 

I think we must say Allez les Bleus.

They are favourites, they have the highest cat:human ratio in Europe, they have a team full of absolute corkers AND the final will be on Bastille Day. Could the omens be any better?

Second choice is Ukraine. They may be underdogs (they qualified via play offs) but they are number 4 in the ccp chart, home to a big-time cat lover and fielding a team full of gritty, determined players. 

And Portugal for a side bet. Portugal  ranks in the bottom half of the cpp table at number 14  but mighty assists from Ronaldo and Dias may make a difference. 

Kick off in Munich at 20. 00 on 14 June  

I reserve the right to change my mind completely as the tournament progresses.