Readers, I grovel. I have the heart and soul of an unset jelly. 

Zodiacally speaking we are three quarters of the way through Scorpio, and I haven’t posted about it yet.

And why not?

That is the question Stella Hyde, Consultant Astrologer for the Clowder Press, has been asking, with increasing irritation. 

The shameful answer is that I have been too scared of incurring the eternal wrath of Scorpio cats. (I am not crazy about incurring the eternal wrath of our Astrologer either, but although she can be formidable, she is not as formidable as Scorpio cats.)

Now we are very nearly back to the safety of Sagittarius, I am venturing a post about Scorpio, partly to complete the zodiacal cycle we started last year and partly because if I don’t, Stella will storm out of the Clowder Press and I will be stripped of my brand ambassadorship.

So here we go.

On 23 October, Libra  found it all too tiring and tedious and retired from the field.  Libra cats rule by soft  power - the cajoling purr, the adorable head tilt, the whim of iron in the velvet paw. Scorpio brings the hard stuff. Libra deploys weapons-grade charm, Scorpio open-carries  weapons-grade weapons. One of these is The Stare. All cats stare, but Scorpios Stare. 

They can Stare at you from the next room, from the end of the garden, from several towns away, or from the cattery you have had the temerity to leave them in while you  catch a weekend break, and you will freeze, surrender your will and obey.  

All cats believe they are mysterious and enigmatic, even Leos, but Scorpios really are.  Scorpios embody the mysterious feline rep. When non cat-owners and Witchfinders General refer to cats, they mean Scorpio cats. If any cat is going to be e a Familiar. it is Scorpio.  

For a start they are all black even if they’re not. They have their own agenda. They hide things. Do not disturb them at it, you will get the eyeball. When you come into the kitchen in the middle of the night for a little something, and see the actinic reflection of a pair eyes, it will be Scorpio glaring at you for disturbing their nightly sitrep with HQ. You may suspect they are on secondment from MI5. 

Any upsides? They are very loyal and will fight your enemies, to the death if possible. And they are very disciplined and organised: the samurai of cats. You won’t have to do much, they run their own lives. Don’t waste your money on comfy nests or complicated climbing frames, they have that sorted. However, there will be fixed ideas about  the food routine. They will be at the bowl ace at precisely 06.00. You had better be.   

Neither I nor Belvedere nor Roger are Scorpios, but we very much admire them.

For more about cats and astrology, take a look at The Feline Zodiac.